Most clients who come to see me want to be happier and more content in some or other way. Their anxieties, depression, sadness, and other obstacles are in the way, and I help them to remove these blocks. Often it is old childhood traumas and then we use NLP, EMDR and hypnosis techniques to release these old traumas and essentially get new ‘eyes’ and ways of seeing.
What is often more challenging for me as a therapist is that when there are no or little childhood or early life traumas; instead, their childhood thoughts are filled with happy memories; their lives now are good and everything they desire is present, but it is as if they cannot feel and appreciate the fullness of it; almost as if someone has turned the full color down to black and white or monochrome. The words which will often be used are: “My life is good, nothing to complain about and still I feel empty”. And that is exactly the problem: To much goodness and high standards of living leads to higher levels of anxiety, stress and loss of meaning. It is when we face adversity that we learn to connect again, and people stand together and help each other; as often is the case with natural disasters.
Sometimes when retirement comes, and our lives context change, it can bring a loss of happiness and purpose
. One of the things that I have realized is that in the absence of any ‘effort’ and some form of ‘struggle’, happiness can quickly fade away. One client was working his whole life for achieving the ‘laptop’ lifestyle and when he achieved this and was lying at swimming pools on tropical islands for most of the year, he realized that he was very unhappy. The human spirit needs all the seasons of life and the rotation of these seasons. Children who never have to put in any effort for achieving their goals become adults with ‘soft’ minds, leading boring lives and looking for meaning and purpose in all the wrong places.
Very often goal setting is about the outcome, the glamour and reward and not the process. We all want the house, the car, the successful career with a whatever figure salary. That allusive law of attraction: just sit in the right frequency and visualization and life will flood you with whatever you wish. It is forever X-mas. Give me a break!
Well good luck. Give it your best shot. Recently while I was having a coffee and breakfast out in the Northern affluent suburbs of Perth, I was observing the people around me. Early morning wine was more popular than coffee. No children screaming or running around; people having their drinks in silence with lots of old white little fluffballs dogs lying bored at their feet on little blankets. The only ‘excitement’ was the sending back of the food which is seldom right. The 3 story houses with boats moored at the private jetties were peeping from across the marina, so beautiful, so perfect.
I wondered by myself: Do I want any of this and there was a time in my life I would have looked at it with envy and the “if only I can have this lifestyle’. My partner just looked at me and said that I am just jealous. Done and dusted. 😊
For those of you who have partners will know that they are always right. Right? 😊
What I have realized that happiness is not a goal, it is just a feeling, and no one can be happy all the time. This whole search for happiness is like searching for the elusive city of gold. Always searching and always disappointed. Rather aim for living a purposeful life. For me it means making a difference on this planet, in whatever way. Whether you are saving an almost extinct species, mowing people’s lawns, fixing cars, or taking people dogs for walks. It does not matter. If you are not actively involved and there are not some efforts and even a bit of struggle in the process, then there also little reward with no happiness as a result. When I was a boy and asking my dad about the meaning of life, he said that we do not ask those type of questions; ‘just go and do your homework.’ Our preacher (Reverend) at the church said I must pray, and my schoolteacher started crying softly when I asked her the same question. I had to figure it out for myself. Listening to Oprah’s Super Soul conversations I heard a quote which struck as true: people are not looking for the meaning of life so much as they are looking for the experience of being alive. I think that is what clients ask of me when they ask me to help them to become happy.
My Dad and the Reverend and the schoolteacher were all 3 right in a way. Happiness is always a result or by-product of being involved with the right processes. In the doing (working and putting in effort) in the being (praying, meditating) and in the having (having the fun, joy, peace, and happiness). The teacher later said to me she was crying of happiness because I asked such a deep question. I want to say the same to many clients: ‘Go and do your homework (daily), go and pray or meditate and just be (daily) and have a cry over something beautiful every day. True happiness and living a meaningful life are that balance between doing, being and having. And be willing to experience life in all its seasons and colors, the pain, and the glory, and then write your own new life story.